Category Archives: Marriage

SELECTION OF QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS OCTOBER 2015 PART 2 BY GRANDMASTER WONG KIEW KIT

(reproduced from http://shaolin.org/answers/ans15b/oct15-2.html)

Children and Grand Children

It is a joy to have children and grand-children

Question 1

I wish to thank you again for the wonderful teachings and deep impact you had on me and my emotional health at the Valentine’s Course in Ireland only a few months ago.. I was lucky enough to make a lot of progress during the past few years, especially in 2014. I did leave my job after you sent me the kind message and I am now working for a different and absolutely incredible new employer. I feel very blessed and grateful.

Nevertheless, there is an issue about women equality that has bothered me more than ever this year and that I feel is a major blockage.

Sigung, you are always very kind, generous and most important of all, objective and fair. I am also aware that there are still some cultural differences that make me so torn and conflicted about accepting some of your comments about women and marriage.

Whenever I think of finding a husband or having children, my thoughts and optimism grind to a halt. It wasn’t always like that, but my experiences in my professional life as well as in Shaolin Wahnam have somewhat disheartened me, so holding onto optimism and hope is difficult when thinking about marriage and children.

— Fabienne, Switzerland

Answer

I am very happy about your progress though it is expected as you are a very good student. With mental clarity you could easily see that your previous job was unsuitable for you. With courage from internal force, you were not afraid to leave a job that you did not like to look for another one. Mental clarity and internal force are developed in the training you practice in our school.

It is useful to understand more deeply the term “women equality”. To me, women equality means that women are not inferior to men, but it does not mean that they should be treated as if they were men.

For example, a woman can be as efficient as a man in her job as a manager, but in work where physical strength is required, like carrying heavy luggage, she should not be treated the same as a man. Let her husband or boyfriend do the job.

How the concept of women equality is interpreted in martial arts is interesting. Many Karate and Taekwondo masters boast that they want their female students to fight like men. “If a man throws a punch of 200 pound at you,” they tell their female students, “block it with 200 pounds.”

Our interpretation is different. We don’t want our female students to fight like men; they should fight as women — without losing their feminine charms. They are not men, but can be as combat efficient as men. They can, for example, deflect the powerful punch with minimum force, and elegantly drive a phoenix-eye fist into a male attacker’s ribs.

It is precisely failing to appreciate the deeper significance of women equality that brings suffering to both men and women. Many men have told me that they are afraid to be married for fear that their wives might quarrel with them like men. Many women like to be women, but are forced by a mistaken concept of women equality to act like men.

Your problem of being disheartened about marriage and children may be due to a mistaken concept of women equality, wrongly thinking that when you are married you have to be a husband instead of being a wife, and to be a father instead of being a mother. Such a mistaken concept will distort family roles and is unlikely to bring family happiness. You are likely to have family happiness when you let your husband be the husband of the family, and you remain to be the wife.

Question 2

I’m scared of being a loving wife and mother one day, because the kind of devotion you expect a woman to show towards her husband is not something many males nowadays are worthy of.

Sadly, not all men in Shaolin Wahnam are a shining example of honourable men one might think they are. I can speak as a female student who has had some unpleasant, non-consensual experiences. I heard some very demeaning things about myself and others. I didn’t want to list them at first, but I think I have to in order to make the situation clearer.

Answer

Your problem here is not being scared of becoming a loving wife and mother one day nor the kind of devotion expected of a woman toward her husband. Your problem is finding a husband worthy of your devotion.

There are two different approaches to train a school of honorable men and women.

One approach is to select people who are already honorable to train them. This will make the group exclusive.

Another approach is to open the school to those who want to be honorable, and train them.

Shaolin Wahnam employs the second approach. But we require that those who wish to be trained to be honorable must be deserving, like following the Ten Shaolin Laws.

Hence, it is understandable that there are some in our school who are still dishonorable. Either they have not successfully completed their training in our school, which means that in time they will be honorable, or they have failed in their training, which means they do not want to be honorable.

Comparing our school with other schools, we have done very well.

The examples you have listed will be commented on below.

Grandmaster Wong and Sifu Joan

Grandmaster Wong and Sifu Joan. Women equality does not mean women are the same as men. It means women are as capable as men.

Question 3

When a close Sije of mine went through a difficult time, I heard more than once that “She should find a strong man to have sex with her. She’ll calm down then.” That’s unacceptable!

I was propositioned for sex after a course. The man was ugly, ignorant and thought I’d sleep with him because “nobody else would find me attractive” due to my weight.

All these things stopped once I became more advanced and confident. They also disappeared because I aged and gained weight. But I wish to show that women are much more likely to be reduced to their beauty and features. Even in Buddhism, almost every description of female practitioners says something along the lines of “she was known for her beauty.”

This is so infuriating and unfair. It is a nice compliment when it comes from someone sincere and without ulterior motives, but I’m scared of being reduced to it in the future. But if I defend myself and talk to other people about this, I might be called a “feminist” and “attention seeker”. No man will approach me then, I’m sure.

Answer

Both asking a distressed woman to have sex to calm down, and asking a woman to have sex otherwise no one else would have sex with her were not only unacceptable, they were despicable. As mentioned earlier, there may still be dishonorable students in our school. Either they failed in the training to be honorable, or they do not want to he honorable.

They automatically eliminate themselves in any competition to be husbands of sensible women.

The insulting comments stopped because you had advanced in your kungfu training and had become more confident. The insulting males might be worried that you asked them to have free sparring instead.

You are still very young. With our training, you can remain young when you grow in chorological age. Our exercises can also help you to reduce weight. Exercises like “Drawing the Moon” and “Merry-Go-Round” are excellent. You have to practice these exercises regularly.

You should not feel infuriating or unfair when someone says you are or any woman is beautiful. I believe women, regardless of their age, will take it as a compliment.

There is no need to defend yourself when complimented to be beautiful. Accept the compliment graciously.

It is natural for women to want to be beautiful. She will indeed be very odd if a woman wants to be ugly, or tough and masculine like a man. This is what I mean by misconception of women equality. Women and men are equal but not the same. If a woman appears or behaves like a man, such as putting on man’s clothing or putting her legs on a table, most men I believe will find her ugly.

Question 4

I might adhere to what you called a “liberated” woman in a past article. But I don’t wish to oppress my husband with my intelligence, my wit or my knowledge. I don’t wish to confront and nag him unnecessarily, as you seem to think most “liberated” women are doing according to this article.

Truly liberated women are exactly that: liberated. They’re happy, independent and free to express themselves, not bitter and unpleasant and trying to oppose their partner at every step. I am truly sorry if you or other men have had unpleasant experiences with these kinds of women. I do not identify with these women.

Answer

A liberated woman can be feminine and gentle. She needs not act or behave like a man.

Oppressing her husband with her intelligence, wit or knowledge, and confronting and nagging him unnecessarily is not a matter of being liberated; it is a matter of being unwise.

You are mistaken that I think liberated women tend to oppress their husbands, nag or confront them unnecessarily. I advise that women, regardless of whether they are liberated or not, should not do such things. If they do, they may win arguments but lose their men.

Liberated women are independent and free to express themselves. But they are not necessarily happy, not bitter, unpleasant and trying to oppose their partners at every step. In other words, liberated women can be happy or depressed, sweet or bitter, pleasant or unpleasant, oppose their partners at every step or not at all. Being liberated or not liberated, and being happy, sweet, pleasant, opposing or otherwise are different issues.

Liberated women who are wise will be sweet, pleasant and accommodating to their husbands or partners, and as a result they are happy. Unwise liberated women will do the reverse and be depressed.

Editorial Note

Fabienne’s other questions can be found at Questions-Answers October 2015 Part 3 and Questions-Answers November 2015 Part 1.

women equality

A woman can be very combat efficient and still retains her femininity

Question 5

I don’t have any illness or problems. Is it necessary for me to practice Cosmic Breathing?

— Belinda, Germany

Answer

It is not necessary but it is very beneficial. In fact it is not necessary to practice chi kung, yet a person can live, but practicing chi kung will bring a lot of benefits. As an analogy, you don’t need to buy a car, but a car is certainly very useful. You can walk from Germany to France, or even cross the sea to reach England hugging a log — if you survive the journey. The Polynesian people, for example, crossed the Pacific before cars and ships were invented. But if you can afford it, having a car is very beneficial.

As you have successfully learned the skills and techniques of Cosmic Breathing, make full use of its benefits even when it is not necessary to practice it to carry on living.

When your boyfriend takes you to a date and you are tired, for example, practicing Cosmic Breathing for just about 5 minutes will energize you. When you study for an examination, and your mind just cannot take in any more knowledge, go for a short walk and practice Cosmic Breathing for about 5 minutes. You will be mentally fresh and study more effectively. When you want to play some games, practicing Cosmic Breathing for just 5 minutes will give you better mental focus and more energy for better performance.

Question 6

Can I combine Cosmic Breathing with Eighteen Lohan Hands?

Answer

Yes, you can. You can also combine with other chi kung exercises.

But it is not necessary because Cosmic Breathing is already very powerful by itself. Combining it with other exercises will dilute its power. But for fun or variety, you can combine Cosmic Breathing with any other exercises.

As an analogy, you already earn a lot of money working as a doctor. You are also good at cooking and gardening. Can you combine being a doctor with being a cook and a gardener? You can, but it is not necessary because working as a doctor alone will bring you more incomre than combining your job with cooking and gardening. But for fun or other appropriate reasons, you may combine being a doctor with cooking and gardening.

Mexican Pyramid

An Intensive Chi Kung Course in Penang in 2012

Question 7

I’ve been practicing chi-kung for some time, self learning out of necessity since there is no chi-kung master in my place. I’ve been learning from books, articles and videos, and I have received large benefits from my practice.

May be one of Sifu Wong’s advanced students may come to teach us. I would like to become a healer, though I need to learn first hand from a master.

Mexico is a country with a lot of problems, including very low wages. There are hardly people who can afford the fees of Master Wong Kiew Kit. But I know there should be a way I may learn form the master.

— Francisco, Mexico

Answer

I taught in Mexico a few years ago. It was a large class of about 100 students, and each paid about 1000 euros for my courses.

You are right to say than one must be a good chi kung student before he thinks of becoming a chi kung healer.

You are also right to say that if you wish to learn from me, there is a way. I would recommend that you attend my Intensive Chi Kung Course. You will find the chi kung practiced in our school, Shaolin Wahnam, very different from what you have learned from books, articles and videos, and also very different from the chi kung practiced in most other schools.

Editorial Note :

Francisco’s immediate reply:

“Thanks for your answer, I am going to travel to Malaysia to learn at your school. I don’t know when, but I will be there. When I’m ready I’ll check courses and details.”

Grandmaster Wong’s response:

I am very glad of your prompt and right decision. You will certainly find the Intensive Chi Kung Course worth many times your effort to learn it.

Apply the same principle, “When there is a will, there is a way”, to all worthy tasks, and you will soon find that your life will be richer and happier by manifold. A worthy task is one that is honorable and brings benefit to yourself or others or both.

Question 8

Sifu Wong mentioned that one should not masturbate too often. How often is too often? Is once a day too much?

— Jussi, USA

Answer

It depends on the age and vitality of the person who wants to masturbate.

The following verse in Chinese (Cantonese) would be a useful guideline:

Ye sap lien lien
Sam sap thien thien

Translated into English it is as follows.

At twenty, continuously
At thirty, every day

It means that at twenty of age a person, male, can have sex continuously, provided, of course, he has a willing partner who preferably enjoys it too. At thirty of age he can have sex everyday.

As masturbation consumes a similar amount of energy as having sex, perhaps with less pleasure and often with a tincture of frustration, a person who wishes to masturbate may use this verse as a guideline, provided he has vitality. If he lacks vitality, masturbating once a week is too much.

It should be note that the above verse is meant to show a person’s vitality in relation to sex, not to show his necessity or even desirability. In other words if a male youth of twenty can have sex continuously, it shows he has vitality. It is not necessary or desirable that he does it.

How does one know whether he has sufficient vitality to perform his chosen task, regardless of whether it is masturbation or meditation? It is simple. If he is twenty and can satisfactorily masturbate or meditate continuously, he has the vitality to accomplish his task, otherwise he lacks the vitality, in which case it is only wise of him to masturbate or meditate less or none at all even when he wants more.

A sure way to have vitality is to practice genuine, high-level chi kung. Nevertheless, when a person, old or young, male or female, has acquired a lot of vitality, he or she will find masturbation uninteresting. That person will find other activities more rewarding.



If you have any questions, please e-mail them to Grandmaster Wong via his Secretary at secretary@shaolin.org stating your name, country and e-mail address.

Advertisements

ABSTINENCE FROM SEX?

(reproduced from http://shaolin.org/answers/sp-issues/sex.html)

students in chi flow

Different people manifested different movements in spontaneous qi flow in Sifu Wong’s class in Gutenstein, Austria. On the far right is Master Sylesvester Lohinnger, Sifu Wong’s senior student

QUESTION

I have been told that one must abstain from sex for 100 days upon pratcising qiqong. Is this true? If so, what is the reason?

— John, Malaysia — January 2000

Answer by Grandmaster Wong Kiew Kit

The answer to whether one should abstain from sex for 100 days upon practising qigong is “yes” and “no”, depending on numerous variables.

In the past students abstained from sex for at least 100 days upon practising qigong. Although it was not an absolute condition — in the sense that if the condition was not fulfilled one could not practise qigong, or that he could harm himself — this was highly recommended. Some masters might made it their requirement for their students. After the 100 days, students could revert back to their normal sex life.

The 100 days constitued the foundation period whereby sufficient energy could be acquired and stored at the abdominal dan tian (or energy field). Without this foundation — like the starting capital of a busniss venture — it would be difficult to have satisfactory result. In the past, learning chi kung from a master was a rare opportunity, so students generally chose abstinence from sex to missing a rare opportunity.

What happened if a student had sex during the 100 days? Unless he had sex extravagantly, it usually did not cause any harm, but his progress would not be as good as his classmates. By the end of the 100 days when the master checked their progress, this sex-satisfied student would be found wanting. As he might not have the required amount of energy stored for the next stage of training, he might be left out, either wittingly by his master for not fulfilling a requirement or by his own inability to keep up even though the master might teach him the new techniques.

Today, conditions and needs are different. Because of changing standards, what was considered “satisfactory result” in the past will now be remarkable result. Because of changing needs, most chi kung practitioners today do not actually need remarkable result. In the past, overcoming pain and illness was not even a need amongst those who had the rare opportunity to practise chi kung, because they were already healthy and fit. What they needed would be sufficient energy to spar comfortably for an hour or two, or make a hole in a wall with just one strike. This would be satisfactory result in the past.

Hence, when students ask me whether they should abstain from sex, even at the start of their chi kung training, I tell them it is not necessary — unless they aim for remarkable result, or on the other hand they are very sick to start with. As students today need satisfactory result like overcoming pain and illness, or vitality to enjoy their daily work and play — and not remarkable result like striking a hole in a wall — they can achieve their objective even with normal sex during their chi kung training period.

Without sex, they would acheve their objective faster, but the improvement is relately marginal and it is unnecessary to make the sacrifice of abstinence from sex. For example, with abstinence, one may overcome his diabetes or ulcers in six months, but with sexual enjoyment added in, he may need nine months.

While the remarkable result of chi kung is wonderful, we must also remember other importnat aspects of daily living. If abstinence from sex disrupts family life, or makes a person aggressive due to his pent-up sexual energy which will surely increase as a result of his chi kung training, chi kung would then be a detrimental rather than a rewarding experience.

LINKS

Reproduced from Question 2 in Selection of Questions and Answers — January 2000 Part 2

HOW TO TRAP A GOOD HUSBAND AND BE A GOOD WIFE

(reproduced from http://shaolin.org/answers/sp-issues/good-wife.html)

Grandmaster Wong and his wife

Grandmaster Wong and his wife


A clever woman traps her man by yielding, then turns the table around and leads him by his nose.

— Grandmaster Wong Kiew Kit

Question

Searching for some guidance, I was recently reading one of your Question & Answers pages: http://www.shaolin.org/answers/ans01a/jan01-1.html I truly respect and admire you greatly and am so very, very grateful for your teachings. I am now 31. I have never been licentious or promiscuous, nor entered into a relationship without sincerity, but neither have I found the right man for me.

I loved the advice you wrote to Kevin from the USA (in above Q&A link) about being a good husband and father and so I respectfully and open-heartedly ask:

What do you feel are the qualities of a good wife? What do you believe I should be looking for in a future husband?

— Flora, Spain

Answer by Grandmaster Wong Kiew Kit

Finding a good husband is a very important question any young unmarried woman should consider carefully. Being a happy wife and mother fulfills a deep biological as well as spiritual need. Unfortunately, judging from the number of unsuccessful marriages nowadays, young women have not done this effectively.

I am glad you are a step ahead. Not only you want to find a good husband, you want to be a good wife. This shows not only your maturity of thoughts but also your determination and dedication in realizing your goals. Many women just want to have good husbands, but they never consider how to become good wives. This is a big mistake. They defeat their purpose even before starting their journey. Hence, it may be more fruitful to consider how to become a good wife first, then set out to find a good husband.

Whether you are a good wife should be considered not from your perspective, not from the perspective of other people, but from your husband’s perspective. This is a vital point many wives fail to realize. They usually think of themselves as good wives, but their husbands do not.

What do you think a husband want in his wife? The answer below may surprise many women, but it is formed from actually asking eligible bachelors.

First of all he wants his wife to be attractive. As you are a beautiful woman, this won’t be a problem, but you should make a point to be more attractive to him after marriage than before. Some women make a big mistake by taking their husbands for granted. After they have attracted their husbands into marriage, they neglect their shape and appearance, forfeiting the very factor that attracted their husbands in the first place.

A woman is attractive when she is feminine. A husband does not want his wife to tower over him in intellectual abilities or worse in physical strength. He does not want his wife to argue with him over every issue or dominate him in every decision. He prefers his wife to yield rather than to assert. Surprisingly, qualities like being loving and kind, which are of course important, take second place!

Some followers of women’s liberation may vehemently protest, accusing such attitude as male chauvinism. This, I believe, is a main reason why so many eligible women could not get husbands, and also why many men choose to stay out of marriage. I asked some eligible bachelors why they were not married. Can you guest what they told me? They said they were scared! They were scared of women disputing every decision they made, or arguing over every opinion they offered.

For example, when a man suggests going to restaurant A for dinner, a modern, “liberated” woman would say, “No, let us go to restaurant B.” When he says listening to sentimental music is romantic, she would say, “No, it is boring”, and proceed to give countless reasons why she thinks so. She wins her argument but loses her man.

A clever woman traps her man by yielding, then turns the table around and leads him by his nose. This is classic Taijiquan principle in combat.

When her man suggests going to restaurant A for dinner, the clever woman would not say no. She would say something as follows. “Oh yes, you always have good suggestions. This is one of the many good things I like about you.” Then when they are starting their journey to restaurant A, she would say something like this. “I heard that restaurant B served delicious duck. I love delicious duck. It makes my mouth water. Won’t you take me to restaurant B, please?” She would say with such sweetness that even when her man knows he is falling into a trap, he would blissfully let himself fall into it.

The “Four Preparations” and the “Three Arrivals” we use in our combat application are as effective in defeating an opponent as in winning a husband. First you prepare yourself by being attractive and feminine as well as kind and loving. Next you access your hero (or victim), picking him from a few eligible choices. Then you look out for an opening. If it is not presently available, you create one yourself. When the opportunity arises, you move in swiftly and claim your prize.

In moving in, you need to have the “Three Arrivals”, i.e. the arrivals of the heart, the feet and the hand. First, you must have a clear idea of what you would do when you meet your man. Next, you must place and time your attack correctly. Finally, you must connect and capture, not hit and run.

As you are going to choose a husband whom you will happily share your life with, and not an escort for a dance, it is of course necessary to plan and choose carefully.

Sifu Anthony and Akemi

Happily married. Do you know who the happy husband and the happy wife are?

What qualities you would like to have in your husband? Obviously he must be loving and responsible, besides other personal preferences like how he looks, the job he has, his family background as well as his philosophy towards life.

Having decided on what type of man you want as a bushand, let us see how you can apply the “Four Preparations” and the “Three Arrivals” to trap your man — instead of just passively waiting for him to appear.

Suppose you have found a man whom you think could be a prospective candidate as your husband. If you already know him, that will save much effort, otherwise get someone to introduce you to him or introduce yourself in a seemingly unexpected way.

For example, you know he frequents a particular restaurant at a particular time for lunch. You have to dress attractively and look out for a good opening at the restaurant. If he is looking for a seat, you could tell him in a friendly way that the seat besides you is empty and invite him to sit down.

Of course you do not just let him sit down. You have to engage him in conversation to find out his interests and other information so that you have material for your next attack. You have to let him talk and you listen with interest but asking appropriate questions to gather information.

Some openings are as follows. “Wow! you seem to enjoy your food a lot. Can you tell me the secret of your good apetite?” Or, “You don’t seem to enjoy your food. I have an excellent way to increase apetite. Would you like to learn it?” Then proceed to teach him a chi kung exercise.

After a few meetings, you should start to date him. But of course you will plan in such a way that it appears he dates you. Ask him if he is free the coming weekend. Say that you would like to visit so and so or such and such a place but are concerned to go alone. Ask him to accompany you.

After you have trapped him, you should suggest he marries you. Of course you don’t say, “Marry me!” You may say something like, “It is wonderful to be married and to share life and happiness together. My sifu is so happily married, so are my sisooks and sipaks, as well as sigung.” Then lead him to marriage by the nose, with a lot of beautiful flowers along the way.

You should set a time-target. The whole programme from first meeting to happy marriage should be completed within a year. It is unfair but true that women can’t afford to wait, whereas men can. This happy-marriage strategy should work out well, but in the unlikehood that it doesn’t, repeat the strategy with the next prospective candidate.

Here are a few important principles to follow.

Marriage is a win-win contract. You must really love the man you try your strategy on, and sincerely want to he a very good wife to him.

In your relationship with him, don’t give in but tempt him. Play a cat and mouse game. When he advances, you retreat temptingly, even sexily. When he is tired of chasing, tempt and tease him. On your marriage day (or night), surrender yourself blissfully.

The happiness of marriage starts on the first day of marriage. Make each suceeding day a better one than the previous. Once a while there may be disagreement or even querrals, which add some spice to marriage and which should be patched up quickly, but on the whole your life together should be a continuous progress.

LINKS

Reproduced from Questions 1 in Selection of Questions and Answers — September 2006 Part 3